So I think it’s clear for everyone to see now that England are going to win EURO 2012. They have been rubbish since Terry Veneratedballs was coaching the team in ’96 but Roy has come along – like an old, honest, knackered, cuddly toy that everyone loves (for now) – and transformed the national team from wife baiters to world beaters in the space of a few weeks.
Steven Gerrard is an absolute diamond and without him England would be 3 goals, a sensational right foot and many many depressing interviews worse off. As long as the Liverpool man’s right leg stays fit England could pretty much field chimps. Even a gorgeous little marmoset could get on the end of one of Stevie’s pearlers.
The remaining teams in EURO 2012 must be absolutely bricking themselves in apprehension of this new improved England, suddenly awoken from their half-century super slumber and Comin atcha like Walt F’in Disney.
England – the team that is now sporadically completing 3 consecutive passes. The only team that can call on the leggy talents of James Milner, who proves that running alone CAN get you international caps for England.
Just looking at him after 75 minutes makes you feel a bit queasy and leaves non-football fans asking ‘is that pastey one going to be ok?’
And with the current economic crisis in Europe, who else can afford to pay for the fairly (but not particularly) life-like, moving mannequins that England have bought to impersonate goal line referees during their games?
Spain will of course be flatulent with joy and relief at avoiding England in the quarters. If you told Fabregas or Xavi that they were playing England in the quarters now, you would get the same sort of response as if you told them that a drunk, gun-wielding, wronged Oleh Blokhin was routing around their changing room and wanted a word. In private. Man to man. Outside. Now.
Fabregas and Xavi would be thinking that it was a joke, but like England’s form, Fabregas and Xavi would soon find out that it’s not a joke and Blokhin really does want a word cos you have pranged his new VEPR.
What’s a VEPR? Fabregas and Xavi would ask with increasing alarm, the ominous scent of fear rapidly rising in their expensively coiffured nostrils.
It’s a Ukrainian multi-purpose off-road vehicle designed and assembled by the Kremenchuk Automobile Assembly Plant
might be the response.
Fabregas and Xavi will know the name of Steven Gerrard and England by the end of next week. Because we may not be playing them in the quarters. But we will be waiting for them in the final, just like Blokhin would be waiting for Fabregas and Xavi in the car park if they pranged his new VEPR with their silly Ferraris. What will happen after that probably won’t be pretty but will ensure that the Rumbelows Cup of international competition comes back home. Or, just ‘comes home’. Forget the ‘back’. We haven’t actually won it before. And, actually, it can’t be a home if it’s never been there. So just ‘come’ then I suppose.
Skill is soooo passe. Running lots is the new black. Come on England!
